


just like sparklers, so vivid and fleeting

by sabotenworld



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 13:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12234045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabotenworld/pseuds/sabotenworld
Summary: Jihoon is determined to keep his feelings for Guanlin a good memory, along with his time with Wanna One.Set before and after Wanna One disbands.





	just like sparklers, so vivid and fleeting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nomolla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomolla/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND TWITTER USER @PPANGWINKEU !! This is for you and sorry i am ruining ur birthday with my angst hahahah
> 
> This fic was something I wrote every time I couldn't sleep at night because of the thought of w1 disbanding :( I don't want panwink to break up ;_;

A rare day off.

Surprisingly, the company had given them one, although it was given that their days together as a group was already going to be over in a few months’ time. Jihoon is exhausted from all the promotions and TV appearances, but he never wants these days to end. At the start of Produce 101 he didn’t even plan on getting attached to anyone but now here he was, completely happy with the group members that he had, not wanting to be apart from even the hyungs teased him a little too much at times.

Jihoon peeks at Guanlin, who is fast asleep in his bed with a content expression on his face. He knows he’s going to miss him the most. He doesn’t know when his feelings of something other than friendship started. Somehow this boy, who Jihoon had just asked casually if something was wrong during their time at Produce 101 and had opened up to him in accented Korean, had made his way into Jihoon’s heart. Woojin says he has the most obvious crush in the world, but Woojin notices weird things about Jihoon.

Speaking of Woojin, he’s calling Jihoon’s name now from the living area. Jihoon sneaks a last look at Guanlin before getting up from his bed to where Woojin was.

“Hey, we’re going out,” Woojin tells him when he sees him. Jihoon is about to walk to his room to begrudgingly get his jacket. “All of us. They’re already outside. But you’re staying here. Guanlin’s still asleep, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, should I wake him up?” Jihoon asks. It’s a little close to dinner time now.

"No. Stay here with him. You better tell him when we’re out.”

Jihoon frowns. No, he’s not going through this _you-better-confess-to-Guanlin_ bullshit of Woojin’s again. “No way. I’ll go wake him up.”

Woojin shakes his head and shoves the paper bag he was holding to Jihoon’s chest. "Here, use these."

Jihoon blinks in surprise, taking the bag hesitantly and peering inside to see a pack of sparklers. Sparklers? Why the fuck would Woojin give him sparklers?

"You can invite him to the rooftop and use those so it's romantic." Woojin grins like he was proud of the idea. He continues threateningly: “You better tell him. Do you know how hard it was to convince Sungwoon hyung that I wasn't planning on confessing to you with those?"

Jihoon makes exaggerated vomiting sounds.

"Exactly."

Woojin turns to leave, and Jihoon is left with a bag of sparklers and his own feelings. He has no idea what to do with either.

-

Jihoon enters their shared room just when Guanlin is waking up.

"Hyung?" Guanlin yawns, covering his mouth with his hand like the polite boy that he is. "Where's everyone?"

"Out. They left us here because we were both asleep. So mean." Jihoon pouts. He knew his acting experience would come in when he first knew in himself that he had feelings for Guanlin. He smiles at the Guanlin next, a genuine smile, how could he not? The younger boy looked so cute with his bed hair and soft sweater.

"Ohh." Guanlin doesn't question him, staring at his outstretched legs in a daze.

He knows Guanlin is just sleepy, but the silence makes Jihoon overthink. What if Guanlin was mad at himself for not waking up so he could spend the last of their remaining days with their members, or what if the younger boy felt left out that the members wouldn't include them in their activities? He thinks of something that would surely distract Guanlin.

"You want to order chicken, Guanlinnie?"

Guanlin perks up at that. "Yeah."

Jihoon brings up Woojin’s brilliant idea that they should light sparklers at the rooftop after they eat. The word is unfamiliar to Guanlin, and he smiles in realization when Jihoon shows him the bag of sparklers. He asks Jihoon to repeat the word, testing out the pronunciation himself several times. Guanlin looks pleased, despite sparklers not being normally associated with autumn.

The two of them put on their jackets and it’s a bad combination with the decision of taking the stairs instead of the lift. They laugh about it as they reach the rooftop out of breath, scrambling to light the sparklers.

What is more breathtaking is how Guanlin looks right now: his cheeks pinched red by both the cold and running excitedly up some stairs, and his smile illuminated by the light of the sparklers. Jihoon wonders if he should tell him what he was thinking right now, if he should tell Guanlin that he looked beautiful and that he’s liked him for so long that it’s beginning to hurt.

"Hyung, I have something I wanted to tell you."

Jihoon nods, not wanting to say 'me, too'. If he did, there wouldn't be any backing out of it, his feelings would be out in the open for Guanlin to do whatever he wants to do with it. The idea of Guanlin freaking out and deciding never to talk to him again weighs in on Jihoon, and he cheers himself up with the fantasy that Guanlin would confess to him before he did. It's pathetic.

"Hyung," Guanlin begins. He smiles at Jihoon, and it's even brighter than the sparklers they've lit. "I'm really glad I met you. Thank you for everything."

He can't say it now.

"What're you even saying," Jihoon passes off with a small smile. He's disappointed at not hearing his fantasies play out even though he knew they would never happen. He's finding it hard not to let his disappointment show right now, even as a trained actor. "You say it like we're never going to see each other again." It’s a thought that’s been bugging him, and saying it out loud was even harder. His chest feels tight.

Guanlin shakes his head. "Hyung is a star," Guanlin says like he's sure of it. He waves the sparkler he's holding into the shape of a small star before grinning at Jihoon proudly. "You'll do well, hyung. You'll be able to debut again real soon."

Debut again. Jihoon wonders if it'll still be like this, if he'll be able to form this strong of a bond with any other group of people. Also, will he ever like anyone as much as he likes Guanlin?"

"You don't know that for sure, come on," Jihoon whines. "You'll do well, Guanlinnie. You're a Cube trainee. If one of us is going to do well, it's you."

Will Guanlin find someone else? Will there be some other boy, a trainee that he debuts with in a permanent group, who Guanlin will latch on to like he did with Jihoon? Will he be patient enough to translate words that Guanlin doesn't understand and listen to him when he's feeling sad? Or will it be a pretty older girl at his company that does all of this for him? Jihoon doesn't want to think of it but he does. He always does.

“Hyung is a star,” Guanlin says again, a little more softly this time. Then he turns to Jihoon looking excited. “Hey hyung, I’ll work hard and debut too. Then we can meet at music shows.”

“You’re talking like I’ve already debuted in another group,” Jihoon laughs.

Guanlin chatters excitedly about an imagined life after Wanna One, making Jihoon promise that he would still talk to Guanlin everyday despite their differing schedules and Jihoon being too cool of a sunbaenim for Guanlin to ever approach. They’re happy thoughts that somehow cheer Jihoon up a little.

-

When the members come home, most of them are acting nonchalant but Jihoon could tell they were eyeing how he and Guanlin behaved. Everything was normal. He and Guanlin still talk and laugh together. What did they even expect? To come home to another couple when they only had a few days left as a group together?

“I didn’t tell him,” Jihoon tells Woojin before the boy even asks. He sits beside the slightly younger boy, who is playing a mobile game quietly at the corner of the living room when everyone else was in their own rooms.

“Yeah. I could tell.” Woojin looks annoyed. He pulls off one earphone but continues his rhythmic tapping at the screen of his phone. “Why?”

“Why?” Jihoon mimics mockingly. He pulls his legs up, hugging his knees. “Why should I even tell him? I don’t know why you kept egging me on.”

Woojin dies in the game and he puts his phone down to look at Jihoon. “Why? Because you obviously like him and it’s hard to watch you so obviously trying to keep it in.”

“And so I should tell him and have the guy freak out about it and never talk to me ever again?”

Woojin sighs heavily. “You know he wouldn’t do that.”

“You don’t know that for sure, Woojin.”

“What, you think he’s going to ignore you after clinging to you and relying on you for a long time, just because you like him?” Woojin left out the part that Jihoon was gay and some people freak out about gay people liking them. “Haven’t you been around him long enough to be able to tell that he’s not an asshole? God, you’re really stupid.”

Jihoon glares at him.

Instead of glaring back, Woojin looks concerned. “Look, will you really be okay with not telling him? You still have a little time left to tell him.”

“Why are you so stubborn about this,” Jihoon huffs. “It’s not even your lovelife.”

“I just don’t want you to have any regrets.”

Jihoon’s sure he would have regretted telling Guanlin, but he doesn’t press the matter further, asking Woojin to play some fighting game with him instead to change the subject.

-

The dreaded day finally comes. Jihoon cries along with everyone, the faces he won’t be seeing so often blurred by his tears. He hugs everyone and everyone gives him a hug right back. He makes sure his hug with Guanlin is extra tight and lingers a little longer than everyone else, and Guanlin hugs him back just as tight.

Just like that, he was back to his old life. His old life being the boring-looking building of his company, and the dance practice studios that he could work with but still paled in comparison to those he had practiced at with Wanna One. He sees his old co-trainees too. He gets along with most of them, of course he had to, in case he was ever to debut again it would be with any of these other trainees.

_Lai Guanlin!! Are you doing well? Practicing hard? Don’t forget to eat!_

Jihoon finishes the text with several angry faces and a heart. He sits staring at his phone for a while, hoping for a reply. He finally gives up on waiting, shoving his phone deep into his bag in frustration. It wasn’t like Guanlin ever texted him anymore. It’s been months since the day he woke up to a message saying _“good morning, hyung!”_ with dozens of hearts and it was his dose of happiness for the week.

He often wants to give up. On both his dream and Guanlin. Life as a trainee seemed like an endless tunnel, and Jihoon could never be sure there was even a light at the end. He’s not turning out as successful as Guanlin thought he would be, and he feels like he can’t face the boy any time soon. Guanlin would be so disappointed.

Jihoon doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, especially not Guanlin. He gets up and turns on the stereo to practice his routine again one last time.

-

Jihoon trains for another year and six months, landing a few acting roles, variety show appearances, and even appearing as a special emcee at a music show, until his debut is finally announced. It’s a good group, with trainees he gets along with, and he’s ecstatic. _Finally_. All of his hard work has paid off. Of course he knows that debuting wasn’t the winning raffle ticket to success as an idol; how much people liked them and paid to see them would be the deciding factor for that. He’s thankful nonetheless. He’s a step closer to his dream.

It makes him even happier to receive congratulatory texts from all his friends: from school, fellow Produce 101 contestants, and Wanna One members he once debuted with.

 _Hyung!_  
_I heard you were debuting!! I told you you would!! Congratulations! Treat me to chicken sometime!_  
_\- Guanlin_

“You look like you’re about to cry,” Kwon Hyeob observes, trying to peek at Jihoon’s phone screen.

Jihoon covers his phone, laughing. “Shut up. You just stopped crying about the debut news.”

He carefully types a message to send to Guanlin, thanking him and asking when they can meet up soon. He never gets a reply.

-

_Hey did u hear about the cube chicks debuting soon?_

It’s Woojin who texts him the news. He’s always the first one to poke fun at Jihoon’s emotional constipation. Jihoon’s about to lie via text that he already knew, but Woojin texts him again.

_You free on the day of their debut performance? Our group will be performing too!_

Jihoon smiles. He hasn’t seen Woojin and Daehwi in months. Those two already debuted with Youngmin and Donghyun even before he Jihoon did, which wasn’t surprising because they were already debut-ready when Jihoon saw them at the first ranking evaluation.

He has a schedule on the debut performance date, a shoot for a beauty show, but luckily it was just in a nearby studio. He texts Woojin this information and also adds in a few insults, because he and Woojin have still remained close friends all this time.

Occasionally, Woojin would send Jihoon screenshots of whatever social media post by Cube Guanlin was in, and Jihoon secretly checked for Guanlin updates every time he had his phone. He feels like some crazy stalker, but he can’t help it. He wants to know how Guanlin is doing, and since Guanlin won’t tell him anything, he has to look for updates by himself. At least that’s how he justifies it.

Anxiety fills him at the prospect of seeing Guanlin again.

-

“Hey, Park Jihoon!”

It’s Woojin he sees first when he enters their waiting room, grinning with his familiar snaggletooth. Hugging is not their thing, so they fistbump. Jihoon greets Youngmin and Donghyun while Daehwi clings to him, whining that he missed him _sooo much_. Jihoon pats the boy’s hair fondly. He missed Daehwi too. He missed all of Wanna One.

“Seonho just went back to their room before you came, you want visit them?” Woojin asks after they’ve all signed Jihoon’s copy of their album and taken pictures together.

Jihoon chews his bottom lip. _He’s here._ In the same building. In a nearby room. “Can you guys go with me?”

Woojin scoffs. “No. You go by yourself. It’s not my lovelife.”

Jihoon’s ears feel hot. He shrinks back into the cushion of the sofa, embarrassed. Why did Woojin have to use his own words against him?

“Eh, does Jihoon like Seonho?” Youngmin asks, amused.

“Not him, it’s so obviously Guanlin-“

Jihoon hits Woojin with a pillow to shut him up, and he wants to beat him with the pillow for a longer time but the staff announces that it’s their group’s turn to shoot.

Daehwi gives him a last hug. “See you later, hyung! We’ll take more pictures together later, okay?”

“Go to the other dressing room now so you don’t look like the sad person that you are all alone in our room,” Woojin laughs. Jihoon tries to hit him one more time, but he’s already walking away quickly.

He stays for a while, nervous about seeing Guanlin, but it’s awkward to stay alone in a dressing room that wasn’t your own, so Jihoon gets up to find the Cube rookie group’s dressing room. He bows to staff and the seniors he meets at the hallway. None of them seem to question that he was even there with no scheduled appearance.

“Oh! Jihoon hyung!”

Yoo Seonho is skipping down the hallway to meet him, tackling him in a hug that almost topples Jihoon over completely. He nuzzles at Jihoon’s face. “Hyung, how are you? Why’re you here? I didn’t know you would be here. Who else is here? Will you watch our performance? Oh! Guanlin hyung’s in the dressing room, I bet you were looking for him!”

“Hey, Yoo Seonho, one question at a time!” Jihoon scolds. He smiles as Seonho still clings to his arm. “I was just on the way to your dressing room. Congratulations on debuting!”

Seonho thanks him happily, looking very proud of himself. It looks like he hasn’t changed one bit; maybe his face has grown a little more angular but he still acted like a spoiled child. That was his charm. Seonho then drags him to the dressing room while chattering the whole way.

Idols he doesn’t recognize greet him as _Park Jihoon sunbaenim_ when Seonho opens the door to their dressing room. It’s awkward but Jihoon puts on the charm, smiling and bowing back.

Then he sees him.

Guanlin’s sitting and laughing with another rookie, looking like a million dollars: his hair was back to the dark color that suits him better than the bleached mess it had been in a recent SNS photo, his bangs styled to show just a peek of his forehead, his eye makeup was dark and the insides of his plump lips too red to look natural. The other boy recognizes Jihoon and bows deeply before Guanlin even turns to look at him.

“Guanlin hyung, look who’s come to visit! You’re not even paying attention to him!” Seonho chides, hands on his waist.

Jihoon isn’t thinking straight. All he can think about is Guanlin laughing with someone else, and he doesn’t see the way Guanlin smiles at him because he’s too busy grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him to stand up. Guanlin does stand up, confused, and Jihoon is tightening his hold on his wrist, dragging Guanlin with him as he briskly walked out of the dressing room.

“Hey, where’re you guys going?”

Jihoon ignores Seonho and prays that the other boy doesn’t follow. He just wants to be alone with Guanlin now, to talk in private. He has so many things to ask, so many things he doesn’t know about the boy anymore.

"Hyung?" he can hear Guanlin call from behind him. "Hyung? Is there something wrong?"

Jihoon pushes him into a stockroom he was sure would be empty, closing the door behind him with a soft click. He faces him now, eyes adjusting to the darkness to make out the figure in front of him: it was him alright, the Guanlin he has been in love with for all these years, now an idol that debuted and almost completely unfamiliar to Jihoon.

With adrenaline pulsing through his veins, Jihoon pulls him down to his height to kiss him, his palm cupping the back of his neck. He hopes to convey everything he felt before, during, and after the time he spent with Guanlin: how proud he was for the progress he made, the pain of not telling him how he felt when he still had Guanlin beside him, the agony of longing to see him and being unable to see him.

Guanlin lets out a soft sigh and kisses him back after a while, a slow and gentle kiss like everything Guanlin did when Jihoon still knew him. Did he even still know him? Was this still the Guanlin he fell in love with? In the span of two years the conversations they've had were always one-sided: always Jihoon wanting to know him and still be as close as they were, and Guanlin never giving him a chance to. A person can turn into a complete stranger in two years. That thought alone was too much. Jihoon has to pull away to breathe.

Guanlin's lips are parted, puffy, and probably had less of the unnaturally red tint they had on before. The sound of his own heartbeat is deafening to Jihoon, and he musters up his courage with a deep breath.

"I love you," he blurts out. They’re not the same words he was going to confess to Guanlin two years ago, when he was young and didn’t have enough time to figure out his feelings. His feelings had only grown during the time they were apart.

Guanlin's eyes widen slightly, but he has on that look that he used to always have on his face, the one that left Jihoon wondering what he was thinking.

"I'm in love with you, and it wasn't very smart to fall in love with you because we're not members of the same group anymore and we haven't been, for two whole years now, and it really hurt." Jihoon's vision is starting to blur now and every sound that comes out of his mouth sounds stupid and choked up, but he continues anyway. "It hurt so much to not see you and not be able to talk to you like before, but my feelings haven't changed and I'm pretty sure you were doing so well without me because you never contacted me but I always, always wanted to know how you were doing, if you were eating well and if you weren’t feeling sad about anything you weren’t telling me, and I'm sure you were busy and so was I and I don't know why I'm still trying to-"

The intercom interrupts him. "Lai Guanlin to the group dressing room please. Lai Guanlin to the group dressing room. Filming will start soon."

 _Deus ex machina._ Jihoon knew the term from a university lecture he actually managed to attend despite his busy schedule. A character’s predicament is solved by adding in an outside element. The intercom cutting off his stupid rambling was _deus ex machina_ , saving him from further embarrassment, and now he will proceed to be ignored by Guanlin for the rest of his life. Maybe he’ll even be able to move on.

"Guess you have to go now." Jihoon forces out a laugh. He's sure his sniffles give away that he's crying, but he still has a bit of pride in him, despite making a complete fool of himself, so he smiles. "Good luck on your performance, Guanlin."

Guanlin nods. His large hand reaches out to squeeze Jihoon's shoulder, and he swallows before asking: "Hyung, will you watch me?"

"What?"

"Will you watch me?" Guanlin repeats. Jihoon thinks he’s smiling, but he can’t really see through his blurred vision and the lack of light. "I hope you watch me."

He leaves Jihoon in the dark, with only the light from the slightly open door and the chatter from the hallway to guide him to where Guanlin was.

-

“I thought I told you to say hi to him, why are you crying?” Woojin chuckles as he pats Jihoon’s head.

Jihoon had stayed in their dressing room for a while, crying alone and contemplating about why he did such an impulsive thing until the Brand New Boys’ group came back. Daehwi wails at the pitiful sight of him with a box of tissues, pulling Jihoon into a hug and letting him cry on his shoulder.

“What happened, hyung,” Daehwi asks him sadly.

“I kinda confessed impulsively,” Jihoon admits sheepishly. He leaves out the part that he kissed Guanlin too and Guanlin kissed him back, probably just on reflex. It’s so stupid and embarrassing and Jihoon just wants to go home and mope for the rest of his life. If not for the media outside ready to snap ‘Park Jihoon crying’ photos to spread around the internet, he would’ve been at his dorm already.

“I told you to confess years ago! Not the minute you see him. Geez.” For sure, Woojin would never let him live this day down.

“Thank you, Woojin. I know it was stupid,” Jihoon grumbles.

“So what did he say? Were you rejected?” Daehwi’s voice was laced with concern.

Jihoon shakes his head. “Nothing. He had to go.” He pulls away from Daehwi to wipe his tears away, but the younger grabs the tissue from him and does it himself. Jihoon smiles at him, thankful. “He just said to watch his performance.”

“Oh? Then why aren’t you?” Daehwi stands up, coaxing Jihoon to do the same and then inspecting Jihoon’s face intently. He dries Jihoon’s eyelashes with a piece of tissue and then combs his hair with his fingers. Satisfied, he pats Jihoon’s cheeks. “I think they were right after us, but they should still be filming now.”

The three of them take seats far away from the stage, because Jihoon insisted that he looks dumb and ugly after just crying. Woojin tells him he always looks dumb. Jihoon’s about to insult him right back when Guanlin’s group comes in again after a short touching up of their hair and makeup.

This was a different Guanlin from the boy Jihoon knew before. The stiffness from his gangly limbs has been replaced by a confidence Jihoon can't remember ever seeing. This new Guanlin did every dance move with no hesitation, and when the group's choreography maneuvers him to the center of the stage to let him deliver his lines, Jihoon almost forgets to breathe. The younger boy raps into the camera, his gaze intense, before doing a flirty wiggle of his eyebrows and finishing off with a smile. _Rude._ His Korean isn't perfect, but it's a huge leap from where it had been before. Jihoon suddenly feels proud to have tutored this kid.

The group does dozens of takes and Jihoon watches every single one of them, drinking in the sight of Guanlin in the spotlight.

-

After all the performance filming was finished, producers get them together for an impromptu Produce 101 photo session. They all take pictures as Produce 101 contestants and then as former Wanna One members, and Jihoon stubbornly keeps himself in his spot, wedged between Daehwi and Woojin. He’s pretty sure the pictures would show that he’d just been crying but he takes it in a stride. It would surely tug at the internet’s heart, he could even picture the headline – “Produce 101 mini reunion, Park Jihoon crying”.

He refuses to even look at Guanlin.

Guanlin was probably mad at him anyway. Who wouldn’t be? Jihoon just popped out of nowhere, kissed him forcibly, made him listen to Jihoon spew out all of his pent-up feelings. The younger boy’s good memories of him being a kind and reliable hyung were probably ruined now.

Jihoon’s inner turmoil while laughing and saying goodbye to Daehwi is suddenly interrupted by Guanlin pulling him to the side.

“Can we meet up later?” Guanlin asks him in a hushed tone. “Please? I… I’ll text you when the practice we have after this is over.”

Jihoon wants to say no, but he can’t. He’s never been able to say no to that face.

-

Jihoon’s group has dance practice of their own scheduled, so he checks his phone when practice ends at halfway to four in the morning.

_Can we meet up in 30min?_

Jihoon types an affirmative reply and then showers quickly, thanks to his group members letting him use the shower first. He tries to put together an okay-looking outfit but gives up halfway, deciding on the default choice of an oversized hoodie and a face mask.

Guanlin is already there when he reaches the park he asked them to meet up at. The younger boy smiles up from the park bench, barefaced and bangs puffy against his forehead. He pats the seat next to him to invite Jihoon to sit down and Jihoon complies, sitting at a distance too short to make him comfortable.

Jihoon doesn’t know how to even start. Thankfully, Guanlin starts talking.

"Hyung, did you watch?” Guanlin asks with a shy smile on his face.

Jihoon nods. "You were amazing," he says, and he means it. He’s trained with Guanlin years ago and he knows how much the boy has improved.

Guanlin's smiling his gummy smile at that. "Thank you." He sounds different, his accent not as apparent at it had been before.

There’s an awkward silence for a while again until Jihoon clears his throat. He's sure Guanlin wants to talk about this, and Jihoon already decided to take the rejection so he can cry about it and then move on. "About a while ago-"

"I love hyung too."

"Huh?"

"I guess love is close to how I feel." Guanlin smiles at him fondly.

Now Jihoon is just confused.

"I don’t know, I can’t really put it into words, no matter how I tried. Like, you know how I’m bad at Korean, but I can’t really explain it in English or my own language either. I hope that made sense." Guanlin laughs to himself, embarrassed. "So I tried to show you how much I cared about you. I thought you already knew from the start. I guess I did a bad job, because you just had to confess the moment you saw me today."

Jihoon’s face feels hot and he shrinks back into his hoodie, wanting to hide in it forever. He thinks back on all the times Guanlin favored him over anyone else, chose him as his own personal tutor and the one he always played video games with. All this time he just took it as Guanlin being able to rely on him.

"I've been thinking of hyung the past two years too.” It’s surprising to be hearing this, because Guanlin rarely contacted him. “I missed you a lot, and all I really wanted was to stand on the same stage as you again even if it was in different groups, but I was lacking in skill. So I just practiced and practiced as hard as I can. I wanted to become someone you could be proud of."

Jihoon gets it now. He was working hard all this time too, more concerned about not disappointing Guanlin than striving to reach his dream. The thought of Guanlin being proud of him always gave him the motivation to practice. "I'm proud of you, Guanlin." Jihoon places his hand on top of Guanlin's on the bench, giving it a light squeeze. "I've always been proud of you, and I always will be. But."

Guanlin waits for him to continue anxiously.

"I miss you." It's embarrassing to look Guanlin in the eye, but Jihoon keeps his gaze locked on Guanlin's eyes to show him he's serious. "I really, really miss you. So I hope you can talk to me more. About anything. Just like before, yeah? Didn’t you use to always come to me when you were having a hard time?"

Guanlin looks away, nodding.

They're quiet for a while, the atmosphere between the two of them still heavy and uneasy.

"Hyung, do you want to date?" Guanlin finally asks. "Like, we just met again but you're in love with me and I'm even more in love with you and I want us to date, but I don't know if hyung will be okay with having a boyfriend who's rarely around. You deserve someone who's there to make you happy all the time."

It sounds like he’ll be going back to the way he was before even though his feelings were returned, always waiting for Guanlin to contact him to no avail. He doesn’t want to go through that again.

“Then make me happy.”

It’s a selfish thing to say, but Guanlin looks at Jihoon like he isn’t.

“Whenever you texted me little things like _good night_ , I was already so happy,” Jihoon admits shyly.

Guanlin laughs at that, and Jihoon realizes how much he’s missed the sound of Guanlin laughing. “You’re cute, hyung.”

“Hey, you funny?” Jihoon says in English. He smiles when Guanlin laughs again. “Look, what I’m saying is that it doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. You just have to try to contact me whenever you can, and meet up with me whenever we’re both free.”

“Oh. Hyung will be my boyfriend but I’ll text and go on dates with him when I can,” Guanlin paraphrases as best as he can.

Jihoon nods. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Guanlin smiles, satisfied. He finally moves his hand to intertwine his fingers with Jihoon’s. Jihoon remembers holding his hand several times before, and it’s as warm and comfortable as he remembered it to be. “I’ve always wanted to call hyung my boyfriend. Every time I space out I’m going on dates with hyung in my mind.”

Now it’s Jihoon’s turn to laugh. That little confession was just too adorable, making Jihoon’s heart swell with happiness. “Tell me about it?”

They spend the rest of their time with mostly Guanlin talking. He talks about his imagined dates. Jihoon wants to make every single one of them a reality but sometimes dragons would appear in them and most of the time the media and their fans were disregarded, so he smiles at the thoughts along with Guanlin instead. Guanlin tells him about struggling with training and the language barrier these past few years, that he always worked hard with the goal of someday catching up to Jihoon.

The sun is bound to start rising soon when Guanlin announces that he wants another kiss before they go back to their respective dorms, because their first one he was completely unprepared for. Jihoon hides his red face behind his sleeve, but he lets Guanlin tug him by the hand to an alleyway that would be somewhat scary had it not been for the fact that he was with Guanlin.

“Wah, I’m so nervous,” Guanlin mutters with a palm on his chest.

Guanlin’s face is as blank as it usually is, with no sign of nervousness whatsoever, and Jihoon would laugh but Guanlin’s leaning down to kiss him now and he can do nothing but close his eyes and try to not forget how to breathe. Guanlin’s lips are plump and soft and very nice to kiss, Jihoon observes. They have Jihoon’s hands clutching at Guanlin’s jacket, trying to pull the other boy closer. He lets Guanlin keep the slow pace of the kiss, he himself likes it anyway. It feels as warm and gentle as Guanlin was.

“I love you, Jihoon hyung,” is the first thing Guanlin says when they break apart. Suddenly he looks worried. “Did I do okay though? I don’t really know about kissing.”

Jihoon laughs and gives him a chaste peck on the lips in appreciation. He hugs Guanlin tight, taking in his scent and his warmth, knowing it’ll be a while until he sees him again. He’s so happy he thinks this memory will fuel him to work hard as an idol for at least a month before he’s sad again and needs a text message from Guanlin to cheer him up.

“Remember, you have to text me and meet up with me,” Jihoon reminds him when they’re about to go home to their respective dorms.

Guanlin smiles his gummy smile. “Yes, hyung. I’ll make you happy.”

-

A week later, Jihoon is exhausted, sweaty and frustrated after practicing the same song for thirty times. Their group just couldn’t get this one song right all the way through. The younger kids were frustrated almost to the point of tears, so their leader luckily lets them take a break.

Jihoon goes to take a drink of water and also checks his phone in the meantime.

_Hyung, are you tired? I’m tired. Eat and rest well. I love you!_

He smiles at the text, Guanlin’s weariness apparent in the simplicity of the sentences. He replies with his true feelings: that he’s tired but Guanlin’s text cheered him up, and that he loves him and to rest well.

Jihoon goes back to practice energized and ready to practice again.

They’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will not be historically correct in a few years' time (except panwink dating ofc that will be historically correct)
> 
> also the title and that stupid sparklers scene is from the translated lyrics of inoue sonoko - namida


End file.
